....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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