I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
