When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Shame is for Republicans.
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