i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
