I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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