Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
