I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
