If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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