I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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