fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
