Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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