flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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