i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
