her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
