i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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