last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
