John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
