Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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