ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
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