The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
