rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
