I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize