So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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