Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
