I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Randomize
