tell your sister to shave her snatch
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
