it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Randomize
