Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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