I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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