I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
