Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
