That's when you crack a 10am beer
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
