erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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