sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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