it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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