I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
