I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
