The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Randomize
