I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
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it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
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He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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