I could make wine with my vomit
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Randomize
