When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
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Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
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And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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