I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
