Bisexual people are plain selfish.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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