tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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