Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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