soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
