Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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