Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
