you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I licked your asshole in confidence.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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