His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
