just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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