What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
