Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
