i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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