sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Nobody cheats on THIS.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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