I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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