I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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