Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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