I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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