you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
